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The Order Awards 2013
=The Order Awards 2013= ************************************************ **DA GOODS** ************************************************ **Classic Awards** **Who is the God-King of The Order?** There was thunder in Olympus this year as our top contenders duked it out in one of the closest contests for the Orderite Hammer yet recorded. Lukus, no stranger to the title, put up an admirable showing with 5 votes. Yamu was the runner-up with 6 votes, owing perhaps to most Orderites' prevailing mental picture of him sitting on a cloud with a harp. This, of course, means that your God-King this year, with a mandate of 7 votes, is that venerable veteran of Valhalla, Gerko! His position secured, he is now free to return to the watchful depths and brood omnisciently over the events of the coming year. Brother None was your Demigod-Queen with two votes, matched by the unfortunately ineligible bntest (clearly a God, but not kingly material). Sam Ecorners garnered one vote, and one person abstained. **Who is the Coolest Orderite?** The Order has always boasted a number of cool customers (in fact, that and our penchant for strange insertions are what first conspired to bring about the phrase "cool as a cucumber." True story), but even among this frosty company, some temperatures run lower than others. Dead Guy, Dirk Magirk, and Wooz know this well, representing the third-coolest of the cool with two votes apiece. Yamu proved even more deficient in the heat-retention department, with 4 votes dangling like icicles from his name, but the coolest of the cool, to the surprise of no one, is human ice-sculpture and one of the only men since the 50s hep enough to pull off a fedora Lukus, with 6 votes. Brother None, generalissimofurioso, PlanHex, Little Robot, Sam Ecorners, SkuLL, and the ever-popular Abstain all have chilly willies as well, according to 1 voter apiece. **Who is the Funniest Orderite?** "Dying is easy," the old saying goes; "Comedy is hard." That said, Sam Ecorners, Luke, Dead Guy, and Brother None are all doing at least slightly better than a corpse, with 1 vote apiece. Ditto Fartmonkey, beating them out with 2. Little Robot and generalissimofurioso both rate a "laughing on the inside," sharing the bronze with 3 votes apiece, Yamu gets a full-on "lol" with 4 votes, and, proving once and for all that everybody loves a clown, our very own Kilus inspires a rollicking ROTFLMAO from 6 of his fellow Orderites. Turns out the funniest poster of the 20th century is also the funniest poster of the 21st. **Who is the Sexiest Orderite?** Who's too sexy for their shirt, too sexy for their shirt? The CommissarandJebus are both so sexy it hurts. (It's got to hurt, sharing third place with two votes apiece, though it should be noted that one of the votes for Jebus was specifically for "Jebus in a flight suit.") Coming in second place (she's a model, you know what I mean-- if only a hand model) is Verevoof, taking advantage of The Order's apparent twin passions for eccentric minds and (who knew?) female sex organs to claim 4 votes. All of them, though, are mere flickering candles next to the thousand-kiloBrie (the Brie being the official scientific unit used to measure sexiness) floodlight that is Gus, who does his little turn on the catwalk with 7 votes tucked into his g-string. At 1 vote apiece, Hoxie, Elissar, Brother None, Heinz, Sam Ecorners, Mikey, and Little Robot all get to be fluffers. One person wouldn't touch any of you with a ten-foot pole and abstained. **Who is the Fugliest Orderite?** We're all beautiful on the inside, right? Lucky thing, too, because if the ayes have it, some of your outsides could use some work-- for starters, verevoof, Sander, Sam Ecorners, Dragula, Serifan, Buxbaum666, and Jebus (when not wearing a flight suit), who all get to dog-fight over the bronze, at one vote each. Kilus, Crni Vuk, and rcorporon could also apparently use a few weeks of beauty sleep, with two Orderites apiece granting them the Silver Medal. But, far and away, the loudest retching was heard in the wake of nausea churned up by Ozrat. The people (5 of them, anyway) have spoken, Ozzy-- the mo has to go. (Unexpectedly, a large number of Orderites-- the same number that elected Ozzy Lord High Ugmo of the Realm, proved to be either exceedingly nice or depressingly easy-to-please, and abstained.) **Which Orderite is the Most Orderite?** What is it that makes an Orderite... "Orderite?" No one can define it, but apparently, you all know it when you see it (or taste it). One each among you saw it in Serifan, Sam Ecorners, Little Robot, and Dirk Magirk, and those people are not necessarily wrong, but we must look elsewhere for our one true avatar. Is it Alec? Some think so, but with only 2 votes to his name, his quaffer just wasn't quite strong enough. Yamu, maybe, or Kilus? So close, yet so, so far-- their 3 votes apiece are but a quaff in the bucket compared to the 8(!) earned by your overwhelmingly preferred standard bearer, the indefatigable Lukus. Though he has been a sporadic presence of late, the sheer volume of his spirit has been enough to keep him in your hearts and minds and to ensure that the legacy of our lovable Scrooge McDuck will forever stand. Two Orderites, continuing to wait in tribulation for their Messiah, abstained. **Who Would You Prefer to Meet in Real Life?** The Order? More like The Restraining Order, amirite? At least, that is, if you're verevoof or Lukus, both of whom have two Orderites very eager to make their acquaintance. Squatting room in the shrubs outside of Brother None's window is at even more of a premium, with four depraved stalkers devoted fans all vying for space. With 6 votes, though, the man most in need of his pepper spray turned out to be Yamu, who's going to opt to forego a tired "see him before he dies" joke here to say that I love you all and to casually mention my double-bolted door and the fact that I own a shotgun. Dirk Magirk, Makagulfazel, Sam Ecorners, Dragula, Fartmonkey, generalissimofurioso, and Candlejack have all also managed to score themselves 1 secret admirer (or, in Dragula's case, one person who has declared their intent to punch him in the face). Albert Einstein got one, too, despite not being an Orderite or alive, and one person cba to meet any of you and would rather stay home. **Also Sort Of Classic Awards** **Which Member Bears the Heaviest Burden of Intellect?** In perhaps one of the biggest shocks this year, long-reigning brainiac Brother None has been forced to share his seat as chairman of TO's think tank with his longtime rival for the position, our very own devilish dervish of debate Sander, thanks to a whopping 9 votes apiece. Three Orderites, mistakenly thinking they were voting for "heaviest burden of intestinal exit," appointed Yamu the think tank's unpaid intern. Jebus' one vote was enough to secure him the position of janitor, with one abstain rounding out the tally. **Which Member Bears the Lightest Burden of Intellect?** My grandfather used to say that a foolish man was free to do what a wise man couldn't, so it's really not all bad for this category's lucky winners-- chief among them being Serifan, who handily takes the gold with 8 votes. Perhaps we merely lack the proper framework to understand the genius of his upside-down thoughts. Crni Vuk, not one to take defeat lying down, fell just short with 7 votes, and Pipboy2000, utterly failing at stupidity, took the bronze with 2. Skull, alec, and TorontRayne all get commemorative dunce caps to go with their one vote apiece, and three of you were uniformly in awe of our membership's intellectual might and abstained. **Who is the most tasteful Orderite (music/movies/books)?** We're a cultured bunch, here, and Dead Guy, Sicblades, Lukus, generalissimofurioso, Mikey, Dirk Magirk, "That Polish guy who likes black metal whose name I've forgotten", and even the eccentric Japanese noise musician Merzbow all have tastes that seem to resonate with 1 of our number. Beyond that, Yamu's preferences are trusted by 2, verevoof's cool cat swang thang and love of xenomorphs are admired by no less than 4 of you, and it probably comes as no surprise that our reigning titan of taste remains none other than our acculturated el ahrairah himself, Brother None, with six votes. Three voters abstained. **Emo Award/Who Has the Most Angst?** With last year's champion TwinkieGorilla out of the running, the way was clear for alec to once again reclaim the Gold Cup of Angst (and fill it with bitter, bunged-up emo tears) with the backing of 6 voters. Little Robot could probably use some cheering up, too, with 5 votes. Crni Vuk and (the sadly ineligible) TwinkieGorilla secured the bronze with two votes-- the Hot Topic gift certificates are in the mail, guys. Serifan, verevoof, Fartmonkey, TorontRayne, generalissimofurioso, and "that same Polish guy" all bring up the rear with one vote apiece-- hardly even emo enough to cry us a river over not winning. Three people abstained. **Who is Most Likely to Earn Themselves a Ban?** It would seem that the reigning bad boy of The Order is TorontRayne, with 4 Orderites predicting his rise as the Lord Protector of Bantopia. Dragula, the Lord Protector's chief lieutenant, earned himself 3 votes. Splitting the bronze as the chief flunkies of Bantopia are SkuLL, Serifan, Malky, (the ineligible) Turd Henley, and alec, according to 2 Orderites apiece. One person thinks it likely that Brother None is going to lock himself out by mistake, and one other thought the ineligible mobucks worthy of honorable mention. Three abstained. **Who Posts the Funniest Spam?** Monty Python, of course, is responsible for the best Spam gag of all time, but an uncanny 10 votes say that Kilus is right up there with them in the Spam hall of fame. Fartmonkey, with 4 votes, is certified as our second-finest producer of Spam (let's say... Spam Musubi-grade). Little Robot and generalissimofurioso are reliable producers of Spamburger-grade spam, with two votes each. Crni Vuk, Captain Iron, and verevoof are serving up cold Spam hash. Two people just plain don't like Spam and abstained. **Who Posts the Most Boring Spam?** According to the great cyclical laws of balance that govern our cosmos, Kilus holds dominion over our best and our worst spam-- it can be no other way (or so say 6 voters). Crni Vuk makes a fine understudy with 5 votes, and Little Robot and alec clinch the bronze with 2. SkuLL, generalissimofurioso, Hoxie, Jebus... with 1 vote, you just weren't boring enough to make the cut. Better luck next time, guys. Three abstained. **Who is the Best Noob?** Disproving the old saw that no noobs is good noobs, Sam Ecorners seems to have firmly secured our respect and admiration of at least 5 Orderites, but with 4 votes, Little Robot still a noob by some reckonings, wasn't far behind. TorontRayne and Fartmonkey are also valued new(ish) additions, tying for third with two votes apiece. alec, Courier, Dead Guy, Yoshi525, and, in a possible portent of things to come, Hassknect and Turd Henley also scored mentions. One member feels there are no good noobs, and four abstained. **Who Has the Coolest Nick?** To The Order, this is a question whose answer was as obvious as it was long: generalissimofurioso's your man, with 4 votes. The field after that is wide open, with 3 votes for Dead Guy, 2 for bronze finishers Brother None, Candlejack, Wooz, and the (unfortunately non-existent) Pope Viper (now Captain Iron), and 1 apiece for Dapper Dan Man, Little Robot, Locke Taelos, KSMoTO, Sam Ecorners, and the imaginary douchebag Douchebag. One person abstained. **Who Has the Best Avatar and/or Sig?** You know him. Yoooou love him. Scrooge McDuck A Free PSP Lukus narrowly wins the gold, with 3 votes. alec's artistic ability, Candlejack's boozy charm, Crni Vuk's perpetual Christmas spirit, and Fartmonkey's bold minimalism are all good for two votes and a shared spot on the second-place podium. With one vote apiece, Little Robot, Brother None, Kilus, generalissimofurioso, verevoof, (the sadly ineligible) Courier, and Yamu can rest assured that their posts are at least modestly well-accoutred. One person abstained. **Who Has the Worst Avatar and/or Sig?** Perhaps still fearing the watchful gazes of the Feds, 4 voters locked in Little Robot and his proudly displayed loli as our winner here, though Crni Vuk's year-round santamorph was only one vote behind. Serifan and horse share the bronze with 2 votes, and marginal amounts of tastelessness were detected in Ashmo, Hoxie, Jebus, Kilus, SkuLL, Randall Flag, Dragula, Fartmonkey, and Turd Henley. Three people abstained. **Who Has the Biggest Xander Root Up Their Ass?** For most of you, this question was no question at all-- Sander is in dire need of Hakunin's proctological attention, say a solid 8 votes. alec has one lodged in there pretty good too, say 3. Brother None and Dragula, with 2 votes, will probably be all right as long as they refrain from sitting down too fast, and Jebus, TorontRayne, Hoxie, Serifan, Crni Vuk, and Sicblades are all playing a little game I like to call "just the tip." One person wanted to know what a Xander root was, and one abstained. **Random Awards** **Which Three Orderites Would You Like to See Starring in a Sitcom Together?** Employing Brother None's hyper-complex top-secret tallying algorithm from the last time we used this award category, I have assembled, as chosen by you, The Order, the perfect cast for our foray into prime time: The star of our show, of course, our lovable Orderite Everyman, is alec, with 8 votes. His mismatched roommates are Jebus with 7 votes and Kilus with 6. verevoof is the rising star of the supporting cast, with 5 votes, with Sander doing almost as well in the focus groups with his 4 votes. Brother None, Crni Vuk, Little Robot, Hoxie, and Yamu (3 votes) comprise our group of familiar faces and possible foils. Candlejack, generalissimofurioso, Fartmonkey, and Lukus swing semi-regular guest appearances with two votes apiece, and Gerko, Turd Henley, Serifan, Buxbaum666, PlanHex, Gus, Skenvoy, The Commissar, and Elissar are our "very special episode" victims and one-shot romantic interests. Also, we are never doing this category again. **Which Orderite is Most Likely to Die a Virgin?** With an avowed distaste for romantic (and general) interaction and a purported deep unease with germs and fluids, it should come as no surprise that verevoof has been chosen from amongst your ranks to be our lady of eternal frustraion chastity, with six votes. Second-place "winners" Little Robot and Kilus might want to start looking into creative ways to mount a fleshlight, too, with 4 virginal votes apiece. Crni Vuk is also in appreciable danger of never opening the package on his mint-condition genitals, according to the 3 people who scored him the bronze. 2 think Dragula too angry to ever complete the deed, and 1 each bet on alec and Yoshi525. 2 abstained. **Who is Most Likely to Someday Marry a Gardening Tool?** Hoedown! With 4 votes apiece, alec and verevoof both share top honors in this bizarre (if longstanding) category. Kilus and Ozrat, with their 2 votes apiece, might want to be onhand at the winners' weddings to catch the bouquet. Sicblades, Jebus, Serifan, horse, Mikey, Dragula, Crni Vuk, and Brother None are probably just going to have a passing fling with a pair of hedge clippers. 3 people were more into woodworking tools and abstained. **Who is Most Likely to Screw You In The Pooper Without the Courtesy of Giving You a Reacharound (Strap-Ons Are Permitted)?** Also known as "maybe next time I should come up with a category where alec's win won't be a foregone conclusion." 11 Votes! 11! 2 others thought Sam Ecorners wouldn't be a generous lover, with Jebus, Serifan, Fartmonkey, Hoxie, deadr4tz, Buxbaum666, and Turd Henley also under mild suspicion of operating the jackhammer hands-free. Three Orderites assumed none of us could refrain from handling each other's manhood if given the chance and abstained. **Which Orderite is Most Likely to Take Over the World With an Evil Scheme?** Again, hardly any deliberation was needed-- generalissimofurioso is the discerning Orderite's choice of megalomaniac, with a runaway 7 votes. Brother None, ever the dictator, garnered Number Two status with 3 votes. Kilus and Little Robot are minor-league plotters with 2 votes apiece, and Dragula, Yoshi525, alec, Makagulfazel, Tagaziel, Elissar, and "this photo of hitler as a baby: image:http://i.imgur.com/oX0Lxnl.jpg?1" are part-time plotters, at best. Three Orderites abstained, likely fearing to tip their hands before their own schemes came to fruition. **If the Entire Senate was Abducted by Aliens, Who Would be Most Likely to Assume Leadership?** The people have spoken, and the consensus is that Kilus would be the man to rise to the occasion, with a solid 7 supporters behind him. After him, Sander and Jebus were next in line for the big chair with two votes apiece, and their war of succession, though devastating, would be pretty fun to watch. Captain Iron,, generalissimofurioso, Yoshi525,, verevoof, and... Brother None?... all showed promise with 1 vote apiece, but need to finish earning their BA in Lovable Tyranny before they're ready for an entry-level position. Lone supporters also spoke out in favor of Turd Henley, a golden calf,, and anarchy, and one Orderite thought the most prudent course of action would be to look into this alien threat. (Hint: Ask Kilus). Two good and true Orderites abstained, absolutely aghast at the thought of horrible, horrible freedom from the comforting weight of the Senate's magnificent bootheel. **Who is Most Likely to Overuse Internet Memes in Real-World Conversations?** In a landslide vote, over 9000!7 Orderites picked Little Robot 4tw! Hoxie took second place like a sir, with three votes. Hopefully, Kilus isn't too much of a grumpycat over bringing in the bronze with 2 votes (1 cup). Crni Vuk, PlanHex, generalissimofurioso, SkuLL, Candlejack, Pipboy2000, TorontRayne, and Heinz are all epic fails and are forever alone. Three Orderites abstained. **Who Masturbates Most?** It has been theorized by some that this category, more than any other besides "Most Orderite," is the truest test of Orderite mettle. If that is indeed the case, alec, we salute you! 5 of your fellow Orderites have conferred upon you the honorable title of Onan the Barbarian. Fartmonkey is thought to be near-equally self-sufficient, with 4 votes to his name. 2 thought our bronze winner verevoof an... enthusiastic fan of the works of Georgia O'Keeffe, and Buxbaum666, TorontRayne, Zaij, Brother None, Heinz, Dirk Magirk, Lukus, Crni Vuk, and Kilus are all pegged as amateur autoeroticians, as well. We're very proud of you-- just don't expect anyone to shake your hand. (2 people didn't even want to think about this and abstained). **Which Orderite Least Deserves Any Award Besides This One?** This category got almost as many answers as there were voters-- when it comes to enmity and disregard, let it never be said that The Order can't spread it around with the best of them. Your self-selected crown princes of mediocrity, almost more by statistical quirk than anything else, were PlanHex and Jebus, with two votes. The rest were spread out, one apiece, between Tagaziel, Phauxe Kitsune, ))<>((, Dragula, Dapper Dan Man, Gerko, TorontRayne, Buxbaum666, The Commissar, McRae, Kilus, Elissar, Captain Iron, Yoshi525, and Stag. (Now, try saying that five times fast). Four Orderites refused to make the list any longer and abstained. **Who is Most Likely to Get AIDS?** I'd tell you to take a guess, but you'd get it in one-- perhaps it's his sitcom-star lifestyle, perhaps it's all the angst-fueled pooper-screwing or the increasingly exotic and dangerous masturbatory aids, or perhaps his gardening tool wasn't used as directed, but reigning champion alec gets to keep his all-too-familiar crown for yet another year, with the full faith and confidence of an unprecedented 12 voters. (If it's any consolation, anti-retrovirals are getting cheaper all the time.) 2 others have expressed concerns that Tagaziel is courting feline AIDS with some of his lifestyle choices, and with 1 vote each, SkuLL, Buxbaum666, verevoof, Jebus, TorontRayne, Dragula, and Wooz get to split third prize (which is HIV). **Who is Miss Congeniality?** Oddly enough, your Miss Congeniality this year is an actual miss-- verevoof grabs the gold (congenially) with 5 votes. Yamu is Vice Miss Congeniality with 4 votes, Little Robot is your Secretary of Congeniality with 3, and Jebus was just narrowly edged out of the running with 2. Congenial mention goes to alec, Crni Vuk, Sam Ecorners, Lukus, Hoxie, Turd Henley, and this photo of hitler as a baby: image:http://i.imgur.com/oX0Lxnl.jpg?1. **Who is Parrot oTO?** It is a question that has kept us awake at night almost since the dawn of our Order: who wants a cracker? Not Crni Vuk or Dragula, I'm sure, though there's one Orderite out there who would like to see each of you take the infamous perch. Brother None, then, or Little Robot? Not quite, though with three votes apiece, you should both be reflecting long and hard about how much you enjoy not having to relieve yourselves on newspaper. No, like the first entry on our ballot, this last one too has come again to its ancestral master, like a boomerang made of poison oak or a retarded dog with a really great sense of direction. Jebus, your next exciting month of parrotry begins today! Congratulations/condolences. (Really, though... I think it makes you look kind of distinguished.)